I am back!
Hey guys, it has been a while since I last updated this space. And by a while I meant a little over 2 months. 2014 is ending in just a few days' time. How time flies, aye? It is the time of the year where I like to reflect and think through what has transpired throughout the course of 2014. Damn, I don't even know where to start.
Jan - Apr
Starting this year, I was just a fresh 'o' level student, waiting for the poly school term to start. I told myself, it is going to be a fresh start, new school, new environment, new everything. Yes, just like how you thought, I wanted to improve myself, be someone better then whoever I was before. I wanted to be more sociable. I wanted to make more friends. Feeling like I really needed friends and at that point of time in my life, I felt that I needed more LGBT friends, specifically. People whom I can be absolutely comfortable with. Not that I cannot be comfortable with straight people but it was just that moment of helplessness. I'm sure you guys get what I am trying to put across.
Looking at different LGBT forums, I stumbled across The Purple Alliance, an organisation that organises monthly gatherings for LGBT members to get to know each other. So naturally, I signed up for it. The first event I went for went really great. At least I got to talk to people. I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Wanting to have a fresh start away from my secondary school life, I wanted to portray a confident individual that is not afraid to express him/herself. That was like a goal I wanted to work towards. Poly started, I continued with my confident persona and it really helped me gain confidence. It was easier for me now to talk to people, start conversations. Sometimes people ask me how I could be so confident. The truth is, I am not always like that. The most important thing is to let people think you are confident, at the very least. Eye contact is something that is really, really important in my opinion. The good thing about eye contact is that it is also something that you can practice. Back in secondary school, I realised that I never had eye contact with most people that I talk to, teachers especially. I decided it was time for me to do something about it so all I did was looked straight into my teacher's eyes while I was having consultation time(oh god, those were the crazy 'o' level days). At first, I was really afraid. Looking back, I don't even understand why I would be. The fear of people being able to see the lack of confidence in my eyes, perhaps. Basically, that has helped me a great deal in terms of confidence and wow that was a deep moment.
Apr --->
Poly was totally different from secondary school. The people were nicer(at first). I later came to realised that not everyone who is nice to you is genuine about it. I have come to terms with it, it is just how life works, I guess. That will and have not falter my journey to be a more confident person. As you guys would obviously already know, I am not afraid to wear quirky, outrageous outfits. I view this as an expression of my confidence. Having the courage to put on whatever I think looks good on me, and wearing it with confidence is what makes you unique. Dressing up is what truly makes me happy.
Aug - Nov
Later part of the year, I was actually depressed about somethings, mainly relationship related ones(well the fact that I am not in a relationship). Things were made worse when my parents weren't supportive of my gender expression and my clothing options. That really made me sad on the inside but I was so caught up with putting up a confident facade that it all became subconscious. I started to drink more often and get drunk more often. Quickly within a span of a few months, my liver told me it is time to stop. By then, I thought to myself, why am i doing this to myself, aren't i supposed to be someone confident and someone who is able to control his/her feelings? An obstacle that was already in front of me before was made clear, my self esteem. I am still working on that to this day.
Due to this, I could not concentrate in school and i did not do as well as I would like myself to do. My GPA was only 2.8. Another realisation came crashing down. What are you doing, Caesar? You chose this course. You better do well in it. I came to realise that I was so caught up lamenting about my love life, blaming myself for what I am(subconsciously I feel, to be honest). I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone again. Get back on track, be more motivated and work towards why I have joined this course in the first place.
Nov - Dec
November marks the start of the new semester and I really wanted to make things work. I worked harder than I had in the previous semester. Be it doing research, or sewing skirts. One thing that made me very glad was that my lecturers seemed to have seen the effort I put in and they willingly guided and helped me along the way. I am so thankful for that. Although I know there still such a big room for improvement, I truly feel that I have done better than the last semester. I did my best. That's what matters. To me, it is not about the competition. It is not about who is the top of the class. As long as i worked to the best I could, I will not be complaining.
After the term comes the holiday which everyone loves, yipee. This time the holiday is a really short 3 weeks one. I spent the first two weeks meeting up with the people I love and catching up. I met up with Jasmine and Jeslyn from Secondary school. At the same time, I was looking for a part time job, it's about time I stop lazing around and earn that buck. I sent applications to Cotton On but I was rejected. Browsing through Facebook, I saw a post from Wing Tai's page saying they have job openings for part-time fashion coordinators. I went for the walk-in interview and was greeted with a really friendly lady. She was really efficient, she had me placed in a job within 2 days! So currently I am happily working as happy fashion coordinator.
A few months back,
Aidil sent me an email proposing a collaboration. We just finished the photo shoot yesterday. Reviewing of the photos and doing up of the blogpost is in progress. I am so excited because there are so many fantastic photos taken from this shoot. Stay tuned!
This year has been a little rocky for me here and there but I got through it. What I have taken from this year is that life is about self-discovery, once you slowly identify the mental obstacles you have, the quicker you can do something about it. Although the year of 2014 has not been very good to me, I still look forward to 2015 for every day is a new day and every year is great for you make it to be.
I hope I haven't bore you out with my lengthy life story of 2014 but remember, a collaboration post is in the works so stay tuned!
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| A collage recap of some of me being goofy, here's to a great new year ahead! |
Until next time, xo
